Ben-ism of the Day – How to Make Summer Salad in the UK

morgue free_salad 1

Wash 1 limp lettuce, waking gently the slugs and earwigs hibernating there. Place to one side.

Boil a large potato for 3/4 hour, place outside for 30 seconds to cool.

Add unripened tomatoes and rock hard avocado. Season with leaves from dead basil plant in kitchen.

Mix 5 parts virgin olive oil to 1 part balsamic vinegar to 82 parts water.

Confirm bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Total Sunblock (SPF 2) bought in 1984 is full.

Straighten spokes of golfing umbrella.

Using scythe, hack path through front lawn to picnic area, then row across road to invite neighbours.

Feed salad to slugs and earwigs and retire to pub “The Drowned Rat and Sixpence” to laugh at the Hollywood comedy “An Inconvenient Truth”.

And finally: Stay positive, there’s always next summer!

 

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More Ben-isms: Round Four!

BEN-CMy healthy diet means that for seven days I can only eat sloe berries. Looks like it’ll be a sloe-fast week.

Cooking tofu with a use by date of 2012. It will be interesting to see how this compares with the 2009 and 2004 I had last week.

I’ve taken up swimming. I’d forgotten how wet water is.

I have discovered the secret to eternal life. Don’t die.

Homo “sapiens” is a misnomer.  Homo “pestifer mundi” (thanks to Google Translate) fits a lot better.

Sunday? SUNday? I want my money back.

Knowing the appalling etymology of “right” whales helps right a great wrong.

I’m impressed by people who help others, not by people who help themselves.

Without valleys, there would be no mountains.

I want to buy a submarine. If you have one for sale, please contact me by sonar.

Never book a judge by his lover.

I am having second thoughts about reincarnation.

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Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde on Writing

Words! Mere words! How terrible they were! How clear, and vivid, and cruel! One could not escape from them. And yet what a subtle magic there was in them! They seemed to be able to give a plastic form to formless things, and to have a music of their own as sweet as that of viol or of lute. Mere words! Was there anything so real as words?

— Oscar Wilde

______________________

All the best from,

Ben

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde on Writing

A writer is someone who has taught his mind to misbehave.

— Oscar Wilde

______________________

All the best from,

Ben

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde on Writing

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.

— Oscar Wilde

______________________

All the best from,

Ben

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde on Writing

I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.

— Oscar Wilde

______________________

All the best from,

Ben

Quote of the Day: Oscar Wilde on Writing

They are always asking a writer why he does not write like somebody else, or a painter why he does not paint like somebody else, quite oblivious of the fact that if either of them did anything of the kind he would cease to be an artist.

– Oscar Wilde

______________________

All the best from,

Ben