Ben-isms: January Round Up

starfish morgue

I am technologically befuddled – I can’t add apps to my phone. Does this make me appathetic?

Tautology of the Day: I just don’t care that I am ambivalent about ambivalence because it just doesn’t matter.

People are only entitled to their opinions in direct proportion to their knowledge of the subject under discussion. This rule applies in all instances except when they are agreeing with me.

New Year’s Resolution Update: My fast is going slow.

Is it just me, or do crosswords make other people angry?

Homonym/heteronym sentence of the day: John recorded the fact that the band went on record stating they had booked a studio to record what they hoped would be a record-breaking record.

I landed on Planet Sensible, but lacking gravity, I bounced right off.

Something in the Water is beginning to make waves.

If you can’t do it in slow motion, you can’t do it at full speed. And that means you can’t teach it.

Marine Joke of the Day: What did the starfish say to the depressed seahorse? “You’re a neigh-sayer.”

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms – join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben – join him at

 Twitter  Facebook  Twitter  Goodreads Facebook Pinterest Instagram Google+ Tumblr YouTube Email Email

Ben-isms: New Round Up

sussex_m

View in Sussex

Only when, with open arms, I welcomed fear into my life…did it choose to leave.

Conundrum of the day: Socrates said that the only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing. But if you know you know nothing, then you know something and cannot have true wisdom.

No one was ever conned by someone they disliked.

It upsets me the way people use clichés like they’re going out of fashion.

The time has finally come – I am going to have a sex change!! I am moving from Wessex to Sussex.

I have reached that point in life when I have more answers than questions. The problem is, the most common answer is, “Don’t bother asking questions as there is no answer.”

Bought one of those forehead thermometers. Followed the instructions. Nothing happened – no temperature reading. Tried again. No reading. Adjusted it. No reading. If you don’t hear from me again…

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms – join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben – join him at

 Twitter  Facebook  Twitter  Goodreads Facebook Pinterest Instagram Google+ Tumblr YouTube Email Email

Ben-isms: November Round Up

ice cream_morgue

What is it with rhetorical questions?

It said in the paper today that people who nap for 1 hour every day live 7 yrs longer. I have worked out how I can live to 206 yrs old!!

I’ll gladly rip off my fingernails, bruise my knuckles and sprain my wrists before I let an unopened pistachio escape.

Can someone please come round here pronto with ice cream? Preferably double nougat chocolate chip banana ripple cookie dough Oreo Grand Marnier espresso Cornish cream autumn strawberry toffee nougat octopus ink vegan four seasons surprise with monkey dandruff sprinkles? Or vanilla, if Ben & Jerry’s are playing the “we discontinued that flavor due to lack of demand” excuse.

Homophonic observation of the day: When you sneeze, you go “a-tissue” (“a-tissue, a-tissue, we all fall down”). Then you reach for…a tissue. Perhaps the former is an unconscious plea for the latter.

As a writer, I frequently bemoan the relatively few words in the English language. So I am going to start inventing some in restinence to the oquibatory combustulon of semtopular rogulism.

These is only one logical explanation: My chess computer cheats.

man > kind > humankind > inhuman > unkind > inhumankind > inhumanunkind > ?

Microwaved potato with redcurrant jelly, washed down with tap water. I feel a recipe book coming on.

Someone said, whatever you do, never discuss paradoxical injunction. So there I was, wondering what to talk about when I had this great idea but –

Apparently my smartphone has 1m times more RAM and processes 800 times faster that the guidance computer on Apollo 11. At least that rocket survived a 240,000 mile journey and landed men on a hostile rock in space. My phone didn’t survive a two foot fall from my table to the floor.

IT’S NOT EVERY DAY YOU BEAT A GRANDMASTER AT CHESS!!! (and today wasn’t one of them. But I did manage a “Z” as a triple word score in Scrabble. The irony was, the word was “zero”.)

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms – join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben – join him at

 Twitter  Facebook  Twitter  Goodreads Facebook Pinterest Instagram Google+ Tumblr YouTube Bloglovin Email Email

Ben-isms: October Round Up

Oct post morgue

I love a harvest moon…

Having a productive morning compiling a list of all the things I won’t get done today.

Wrap up your past and you’ll unwrap a perfect present.

Why does it take 20 minutes for a photo sent from my iphone to arrive in my laptop gmail? They are only 2 inches apart.

At the heart of the matter lay a matter of the heart.

I’d be a polymath if I could do sums.

The dust dragon is on her final warning: she has started building a nest under my bed again.

How to improve pizza: Cook. Remove from oven & fold in half (topping to topping). Place in fridge overnight. Eat as pizza sandwich.

A seductive voice is whispering in my ear – making promises I know she can keep. She is the dawn, the sunset, the warm rain of spring meadows, she is the breeze that ripples the surface of the dark lake in whose deeps I store my most secret dreams. She is craving, she is wisdom, she is truth. Her sisters are torture and ecstasy. And she is using the words that always render me powerless: “It’s time for chocolate”.

Dear Norton Anti-Virus, I disagree – my password “password” is 100% secure because it is counter-intuitive. Therefore no one will guess it and I won’t be hacked. Just sayin’.

BREAKING NEWS: Windows 10 secret sneeze-predicting software identified. How else could I have typed “unfabiliar” when I meant “unfamiliar”?

To procrastinate or not, now that’s one I need to mull over.

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms – join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben – join him at

Twitter-Icon Facebook-Icon Goodreads-icon Facebook-Icon Pinterest instagram Google-Plus-Icon Tumblr-icon YouTube-Icon Email-Icon

Ben-isms: September Round Up

Sept 2015 Benisms post morgue

Feeling philosophical on a crisp Fall walk…

I have written the 1st word of my new short story. It took all morning but I think I nailed it! Here it is (subject to structural and copy editing): “Daniel?”

So THAT’S why people have been giving me strange looks all day: I had my shirt on inside out. Suppose that’s what mirrors are for.

There are none so deaf as those who will not see. There are none so blind as those who will not listen. There are none so charitable as those who think this means something.

Today is set to be the hottest day of the year in the UK. Depends on your definition of “hot”.

Faraday paradox: Diluted nitric acid will corrode steel, while concentrated nitric acid doesn’t.

Our family get-togethers are more clamourations (American: clamorations) than murmurations.

I have used the definitive article 5,209 times in my new novel. I have a gnawing intuition this is three times too many.

Close family is a relative term.

Okay – time for levitation practice. I’ll be back down in a couple of hours, thermal uplifts permitting.

More than half our planet’s covered by water more than two miles deep.

Cool French word of the day: époustouflant (meaning: breathtaking/amazing/surprising)

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms – join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben – join him at

Twitter-Icon Facebook-Icon Goodreads-icon Facebook-Icon Pinterest instagram Google-Plus-Icon Tumblr-icon YouTube-Icon Email-Icon

Ben-isms Galore!

ben_canal-walk-1

Walking by my favourite canal, it’s hard not to get philosophical…

I wish my smoke alarm would learn to recognize my cooking skills.

I have solved my London summer waking at 4am problem! Moving to the Eastern Seaboard of the USA (which is 5 hours behind). Anyone have a spare room?

Will I burn in hell for thinking instant coffee tastes better?

Thought of the day: you know it’s hot outside when you go outside and it’s hot.

Observation of the day: Tina Fey does a better Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin.

I like to ask myself the same question twice because it’s useful to get a second opinion.

By the time I could afford to do all the things I wanted to do, I didn’t want to do them anymore. Thank you time.

I had my hair cut today by a man aged 72 who said he had been cutting hair for 54 years. There are 100,000 follicles on the head – let’s say he cuts 1/2 inch off on average, 10 times a day, 220 days a year. If you laid the cut hair end-to-end, that would make approx. 90,000 miles of hair – or enough to wrap around the equator 3.6 times. (Note to self: get a life)

The headache and breathing problems caused by the chlorine/chloramines in my local swimming pool have been joined by another, potentially more serious symptom. Now my bath is clogged.

In my opinion … people are entitled to their opinions in proportion to how much they know about the topic under discussion.

Beware the flashing rapids. What you seek glides deep within the eddy, where darkness guards its silence.

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms – join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben – join him at

Twitter-Icon Facebook-Icon Goodreads-icon Facebook-Icon Pinterest instagram Google-Plus-Icon Tumblr-icon YouTube-Icon Email-Icon

 

 

More Ben-isms: Round Five!

BEN-HI have formed a meaningful relationship with my basil plant and named it Faulty. I can’t bring myself to use its leaves in tomato and basil salads any more. The clincher is it whispered “thank you”.

I just had a powerful near death experience (“NDE”). A hearse drove past.

No one in my gym could tell me what fiddles do to get so fit.

Mimesis, hermeneutics, bricolage, heteroglossia & semiology all mastered. But only when I finally crack the semicolon, will I can call myself a writer.

I just introduced my basil plant to the joys of camomile tea (served at room temp) as I’m told it will add green to its pale leaves. It asked for 2 sugars…

Allow a picture the space to breathe.

Why does my slow cooker have a “fast” button on it?

Two to go on my Saturday task list: iron a shirt and propose an alternative (quasi-Diophantine) proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem.

Pseudo-philosophical insight of the day: the larger the avocado, the bigger the stone.

The best advice I’ve ever heard? Never take advice.

I submitted the manuscript of my revolutionary, can’t-fail dieting book but the publisher thought that at 5 words, it was a little short. So here it is for free: 1) Only prepare food you hate. 2) I am now researching content for the sequel.

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms – join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben – join him at

Twitter-Icon Facebook-Icon Goodreads-icon Facebook-Icon Pinterest instagram Google-Plus-Icon Tumblr-icon YouTube-Icon Email-Icon