More Ben-isms

blue-world-1531341-1280x960  

I TORE UP the gym this morning. Time for a brief recuperative horizontalisation.

White spirit removes oil-based paint from your hands but white rum doesn’t‚ÄĒalthough it’s both white and a spirit. Explanations on a postcard, please.

Today I failed to change the world. Some things never change.

Dear US Intelligence Services – you want to extract information from someone? Waterboarding is SO last year. Simply have the target wait ALL DAY (in a house with no furniture), for IKEA to deliver, who don’t bother to ring to explain why they are running hours late, and then have the screws not fit and throw in an incorrect diagram or two for fun! Maybe deliver the wrong thing and miss out something too – that’ll be really funny! Or deliver something damaged. The target will crack much sooner and you won’t have breached the Geneva Convention. Probably.

I am proud to announce I am launching a beginners’ class in IKEA YOGA. Enjoy the double benefit of contorting your body in unbelievable shapes while building furniture! First session free but bring unassembled MALM bedside table. After four weeks, move on to my ADVANCED class (HEMNES day bed) and experience palm haematoma and trigger irreversible wrist arthritis! Stay-calm breathing exercises and how to swear in Swedish available as optional extras in 50% of classes (depending on whether parts have been correctly drilled, drawings make sense, etc.). IMPORTANT: don’t miss your class! We start promptly some time between 10am and 4pm but I reserve the right to start at 7.30pm, without notice…and to blame it on the traffic. Inbox me for full details.

I AM BLESSED. To a very few people, it happens every several years. To others, every other year. To some, as regularly as once a year! But the heavens are treating me differently this year. I have been singled out. Chosen. And I don’t even know what I did to deserve it but…(drum roll please)…I have my third cold!

Forgot to add the garlic croutons to my salad ūüė¶
But there’s a heatwave forecast for tomorrow ūüôā
Life is indeed a minestrone :-/
Pass the parmesan cheese ūüėČ

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms ‚Äď join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben ‚Äď join him at

Twitter-Icon Facebook-Icon Goodreads-icon Facebook-Icon Pinterest instagram Google-Plus-Icon Tumblr-icon YouTube-Icon Email-Icon

Ben Live at the Travelling Through Bookshop – Tomorrow Fri Oct 7th!

Join Ben tomorrow

FRIDAY 7th OCTOBER 2016.

He’ll be reading Chapter 1 from his novel,¬†Something In The Water

at the Travelling Through Bookshop and Cafe.

131 Lower Marsh, London SE1 7AE

6:00 – 7:30pm

See you there!

 

GETTING THERE

Travelling Through Bookshop and Cafe is located close to Waterloo Station, on Lower Marsh Road. It is a modern fusion of independent bookshop, cafe, culture hub and art space with a specific focus on world culture, art and travel.

To view previous recordings, please go to http://bit.ly/1E7yU1k

Join us the Facebook Page: http://on.fb.me/1WoNZUz

Follow us on Twitter @Novel_London

Or visit the website: www.novellondon.co.uk

This is a free event but please purchase a drink of snack from the bar during the breaks.

A very special thank you to our sponsor, Reedsy:

 

Novel London 1st Chpt Readings at Travelling Through Bookshop & Cafe

Novel London¬†is pleased to announce an evening of international fiction at independent bookshop –¬†Travelling Through Bookshop and Cafe, in Waterloo, London on¬†Friday¬†7th October.

Join us for a great literary night out that brings people into bookshops and connects readers with audiences – in person and online.

Three novelists will be reading the opening chapter to an audience, which will be recorded for the web.

1. BEN STARLING is passionate about gender equality, marine conservation and boxing, all central themes in his work. His interest in marine life has taken him across three continents over the past three decades. He is Oxford Univeristy’s only ever quintuple boxing Blue (varsity champion five years running), was Captain of the university boxing team, competed until recently, and continues to coach. Ben graduated with a Master of Arts and a Master of Philosophy. He was born in the USA, but has lived in the UK since childhood.

Ben will be reading from his novel, Something In The Water.

2. HELENA HALME is a Finnish author based in London. Her books include The Englishman, a best-selling romantic novel, which won an Awesome Indies badge on publication. Her other titles are The Navy Wife, a sequel to The Englishman, Coffee and Vodka and The Red King of Helsinki. The Finnish Girl, her latest novella, is a prequel to The Englishman.

STEPHEN MARRIOTT will be the compere for Novel London in at Travelling Through Bookshop and Cafe.

He is a travel author who prefers to walk the roads less travelled. His passion for travelling under his own steam, all began when he walked out on a fifteen year career in the investment industry and kept on walking. This journey eventually took him to the foothills of the Pyrenees and a walking adventure across Spain on the historical Camino de Santiago pilgrimage. The adventure inspired his debut novella Candyfloss Guitar, a #1 Kindle Store book.

You can learn more about Stephen and his http://bit.ly/AmazonCandyflossGuitar

GETTING THERE

Travelling Through Bookshop and Cafe is located close to Waterloo Station, on Lower Marsh Road. It is a modern fusion of independent bookshop, cafe, culture hub and art space with a specific focus on world culture, art and travel.

To view previous recordings, please go to http://bit.ly/1E7yU1k

Join us the Facebook Page: http://on.fb.me/1WoNZUz

Follow us on Twitter @Novel_London

Or visit the website: www.novellondon.co.uk

This is a free event but please purchase a drink of snack from the bar during the breaks.

A very special thank you to our sponsor, Reedsy:

Ben Live – Upstairs at the Ritzy, London

Ben live – storytelling at Upstairs at the Ritzy, London, UK, September 19th, 2016.

Ben Live at The Torriano, London

bs2

Ben – Live storytelling at The Torriano, London, UK, September 14th, 2016.

 

Ben Live at the Hackney Picturehouse, London

Ben – live storytelling at Hackney Picturehouse, London, UK, September 12th, 2016.

September Ben-isms

icecream-goodness-no1-1531356

So who hid a tub of Haagen-Dazs triple Belgium chocolate macadamia nut and Icelandic toffee brittle cappuccino Cornish cream with special reserve 1814 Napoleon brandy and smoked goat snot sprinkles ice cream in my freezer? And why is it looking at me like that???

There is a bike on the roof of the house opposite. Can only mean one thing: ET is staying there.

Sprained fingers? Torn nails? Bloody knuckles? .44 magnum. Sherman Tank. Nuclear weapon. How far would YOU go to open that recalcitrant pistachio?

As our favourite Vulcan might have said, “It is summer. It is cold. Therefore I have a summer cold. Entirely logical, Captain.”

Theory of the Day – older people are always complaining that time passes quicker as you get older but here’s my MATHEMATICAL PROOF they are wrong: if you become a father when you are 24, when you are 25, your son/daughter is 1 and 1/25th of your age (or 4%). If you live to 100, your son/daughter is 75 and now 75% your age. That means the young are constantly catching up so time must be passing faster for them. ūüėČ

MY SOLUTION TO THE US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CRISIS: the Mexicans build a wall around the Donald (I think they’ll be happy to pay for it).

My Tesco “Baby Plum Tomatoes” taste of absolutely nothing. Is that three breaches of the Trade Descriptions Act?

I was sitting in a park in Soho last night, and David “Haymaker” Haye – former World Cruiserweight and Heavyweight Boxing Champion walked right past. I looked at him. He didn’t look at me. I stared. No eye contact in return. Nothing. He must have been scared… No other explanation possible.

Be the first to receive more great Ben-isms ‚Äď join Ben on twitter and facebook!

Connect with Ben ‚Äď join him at

Twitter-Icon Facebook-Icon Goodreads-icon Facebook-Icon Pinterest instagram Google-Plus-Icon Tumblr-icon YouTube-Icon Email-Icon