Merry Christmas!

Best wishes

to you and yours for the holidays!

– from Ben

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Autumn Ben-isms!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

I ran a marathon yesterday. Everyone got lost. Last time I organise anything.

If love conquers all, does that include conquering love?

Thought of the Day: Always buy clothes three sizes too big for you. That way people will constantly be congratulating you on losing weight.

“According to the traditional binary tree model, Proto-Uralic diverged from Proto-Samoyedic and Proto-Finno-Ugric.” Glad that’s cleared up then.

Builders sawing bricks outside. Incredible noise. Brick dust has settled on my lunch. On the plus side, I won’t need to add pepper.

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Eye of the Tiger: Ben-isms

If eyebrows developed to stop sweat running into your eyes when you are running away from a sabre-toothed tiger, why do old men’s eyebrows grow and grow…when they are too old to run. Answers on a postcard please.

Builders sawing bricks outside. Incredible noise. Brick dust has settled on my lunch. On the plus side, I won’t need to add pepper.

COOKING TIPS FROM BEN!! Brie not ripe? Simply:

  • (1) Remove all packaging. Place brie on plate in microwave.
  • (2) Microwave for 2 mins and 30 seconds for 700w microwave (allow 2 mins for 800w).
  • (3) Lie down on floor.
  • (4) Open mouth.
  • (5) Allow brie to drip off ceiling onto your tongue.

The time has come…for the time to come.

Sitting here thinking about ambergris, spermaceti, shagreen and the ampullae of lorenzini. If you’d like to start a conversation on any of these topics, Nurse Ratched will show you to my room…

The straws are collecting on the camel’s back.

Fawlty, my new basil plant, drinks so much water, I fear it’s an aquaholic.

Never had a blister THERE before.

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Spring Ben-isms!

It’s not every day you run 5 miles in a record time. Then write 5,000 words, edit a business plan and meet up with an old friend whom you beat at chess in eleven moves. And still manage to cook dinner for twelve. And today wasn’t one of those days.

My oeuvre needs expanding.

I hate the way auto-connect ruins all my testes.

Flat (apartment) below me catches fire (& brimstone). Smoke, eye-watering smells, fire brigade, ambulance, police, mayhem. My smoke alarm doesn’t go off. Grilling a quorn peppered “steak”. Smoke alarm goes off. Explanations please…

PHOBIA OF THE DAY. The fear of invisible words:

Facebook wants to know what my position is at “Author”. Errr…writer?

I mind that my mind thinks it knows what I’m thinking.

I signed up to a website that promised to make me happier. After several boring emails, I unsubscribed. But they kept emailing me. So I emailed them to tell them they were making me unhappy. The rate of emails increased.

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A Poem: POM – Book Your Australian Holiday!

POM – BOOK YOUR AUSTRALIAN HOLIDAY!

Who’d wanna be a wallabeee?

I wish I knew, said the kangarooo.

I love this land, chirped the cuddly possum,

Yawning, stretching on a bed of blossom.

So Pom, if you need a getaway,

Come to Oz and play for a month and a day.

Let’s meet the locals, who’ll make your stay

A Dame Edna-tastic holiday!

 

shark-1384087

Let’s start in Sydney, our biggest city,

Where the girls are ripped and the Bruces gritty.

A swim off Bondi late at night?

Great white sharks are friendly, right?

Tired of beer, mate? Try our great cider,

Then play dare by kissing a funnel web spider.

In search of a unique culinary dish?

Have you tried raw box jellyfish?

They drift In search of the mankini-ed swimmer,

Who they tickle all over, in time for dinner.

 

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A real Ozzie swills Fosters from a gallon syphon,

While wrestling his twenty-foot amethystine python.

Did you know a drop of wolf spider’s venom

Can amuse fifty lawyers at their annual plenum?

 

Up in Queensland, where the sun’s always yellow,

You may meet a charmingly laid-back fellow:

So be sure to stomp on that buried stingray…

It’ll say thanks with its tail—and make your day!

Then check that travel insurance clause

In case a redback crawls in your drawers.

In the rainforest? That’s where the amiable cassowary,

Rushes over to greet the sun-stroked unwary.

 

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When driving north, on the heat-baked roads,

You can count the two billion cane toads.

Here’s a ripper sport: tug a Taipan’s tail,

It’ll lick your fingers without fail!

Or swim a river with a salty croc,

Whose playful death-roll’s sure to rock.

Then there’s the stonefish, beneath the sand,

They say its venom’s super bland.

Want a buddy with Usain Bolt’s speed?

Introducing our giant centipede!

 

In the coral garden you’ll find a pet

With a beak as blunt as your rusty Gillette.

Known as the blue-ringed octopussy,

Squeeze his head hard to prove you’re no wussy.

Remember that cone shell you found on the beach?

Hold it tight—it’ll do strange things to your speech.

Tie a yellow-bellied sea-snake in a knot?

Try it. You’ll win Gold for projecting snot.

Then end your day with a fun party trick:

Play a game of spot the paralysis tick!

 

Dingo, wombat, bull ant, brumby,

Australia’s wildlife won’t leave you grumbly!

They’re here to greet you, make you feel special,

Cos our hospitals are empty and the examinations rectal.

So people: book your flights, plan your vacations,

But first…write your wills and warn your relations.

wombat-1511885

 

Winter Ben-isms

model-ruslan-lensky-1430246

Aiming for the goal – everyone’s gotta have a dream!

#4,377 in Ben’s occasional series “Culinary Recommendation of the Day”: grind 4 nutmegs into 1/3rd pint of (fake) low fat double cream. Blend. Pour over freshly steamed Brussel sprouts. Eat. Smile.

2 hours in the gym, 475 calories burned. 2 minutes in Starbucks, 475 calories consumed (choc chip frappuccino). Well, my yoga teacher did say I needed to achieve balance in my life…

I NEED YOUR HELP!! Forget the presidential election. Brexit. David Bowie’s passing and global warming. My life has been ambushed by a far more sadistic, insidious and determined interloper. How do I deal with the frustration of an unopened pistachio?

I have men-flu. (It’s like man-flu but at least twice as bad).

What should today’s rhetorical question be?

Provisional title of my weight loss book: I’m Gonna Need a Smaller Parachute.

I’m informed that 45 of my Facebook friends have birthdays today. 4960/365 = 13.6. 3.3 times as many birthdays as the expected average? Anyone else notice the same thing? Or has Putin hacked Facebook and is playing with the numbers?

With 2016 drawing to a close, I’m naturally devastated to not be included in the New Years Honours List. Looks like I won’t be a Knight of the Realm. It being New Year’s, I shall drown my sorrows in the realm of the night.

Proud to see my cooking still fails the smoke alarm test.

(1) Estimate odds that utility company will screw things up. (2) Phone them to tell them they’ve mis-spelt my name and could they please send out a corrected bill. Make them repeat correct spelling. Twice. (3) Suppress astonishment that it will take 10 working days. (4) On thirteenth working day receive bill with name uncorrected. (5) Review (1) above and smile. There aren’t many dead certainties in life.

My phone suffers from phantom vibrate syndrome.

Following an unexpected explosion – a partial meltdown – a shock that made me jump – last night, my life was cast into darkness. Total, unrelenting darkness. Logic dictates that the eerie silence, the chill wind that accompanied it were coincidental; that the drop in temperature was a trick of body over mind. Alarmed observers might whisper, “Oh no, Ben – it could be a case of OW Syndrome (Open Window Syndrome)” …Time, I think, for a new lightbulb…

Tip of the Day: bored of that monotonous landline “bring-bring” ringtone? Looking for a constant ringing to make you feel wanted and keep the neighbours awake, even when no one is phoning you? Simply pour water down your phone socket.

 

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Christmas Wishes from Ben

starfish morgue

Best wishes

to you and yours

for the holidays!

– from, Ben