Ben-isms: November Round Up

ice cream_morgue

What is it with rhetorical questions?

It said in the paper today that people who nap for 1 hour every day live 7 yrs longer. I have worked out how I can live to 206 yrs old!!

I’ll gladly rip off my fingernails, bruise my knuckles and sprain my wrists before I let an unopened pistachio escape.

Can someone please come round here pronto with ice cream? Preferably double nougat chocolate chip banana ripple cookie dough Oreo Grand Marnier espresso Cornish cream autumn strawberry toffee nougat octopus ink vegan four seasons surprise with monkey dandruff sprinkles? Or vanilla, if Ben & Jerry’s are playing the “we discontinued that flavor due to lack of demand” excuse.

Homophonic observation of the day: When you sneeze, you go “a-tissue” (“a-tissue, a-tissue, we all fall down”). Then you reach for…a tissue. Perhaps the former is an unconscious plea for the latter.

As a writer, I frequently bemoan the relatively few words in the English language. So I am going to start inventing some in restinence to the oquibatory combustulon of semtopular rogulism.

These is only one logical explanation: My chess computer cheats.

man > kind > humankind > inhuman > unkind > inhumankind > inhumanunkind > ?

Microwaved potato with redcurrant jelly, washed down with tap water. I feel a recipe book coming on.

Someone said, whatever you do, never discuss paradoxical injunction. So there I was, wondering what to talk about when I had this great idea but –

Apparently my smartphone has 1m times more RAM and processes 800 times faster that the guidance computer on Apollo 11. At least that rocket survived a 240,000 mile journey and landed men on a hostile rock in space. My phone didn’t survive a two foot fall from my table to the floor.

IT’S NOT EVERY DAY YOU BEAT A GRANDMASTER AT CHESS!!! (and today wasn’t one of them. But I did manage a “Z” as a triple word score in Scrabble. The irony was, the word was “zero”.)

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