Wash 1 limp lettuce, waking gently the slugs and earwigs hibernating there. Place to one side.
Boil a large potato for 3/4 hour, place outside for 30 seconds to cool.
Add unripened tomatoes and rock hard avocado. Season with leaves from dead basil plant in kitchen.
Mix 5 parts virgin olive oil to 1 part balsamic vinegar to 82 parts water.
Confirm bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Total Sunblock (SPF 2) bought in 1984 is full.
Straighten spokes of golfing umbrella.
Using scythe, hack path through front lawn to picnic area, then row across road to invite neighbours.
Feed salad to slugs and earwigs and retire to pub “The Drowned Rat and Sixpence” to laugh at the Hollywood comedy “An Inconvenient Truth”.
And finally: Stay positive, there’s always next summer!
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